Today is my last day off of school before I return back. Surprisingly, I actually got a good amount of sleep. I fell asleep around 10:45pm and woke up at 10:30pm which was unusual as I normally get somewhere around 3 to 7 hours due to my eczema, so I’m grateful. My eczema seems to be getting better, but what’s taking the longest to clear up is the eczema on my face, which means something severe took a toll on me. I still wonder what it was, however it was probably a new cream, considering I fear change and don’t really change anything in my diet nor do I put on any cosmetics apart from deodorant.
Anyway, I’m happy that even though the side effects were slightly harsh, the antibiotics are working.
Tomorrow I’m returning to school and I’m kind of embarrassed to go back. I heard that people were talking about me as I’m “always off” or missing out on PE because it’s sore to move. I was off for the majority of January due to eczema/eczema related causes and everyone thought I was purposely missing out on school, which annoyed me since school is basically another distraction from eczema. School is a coping method when trying not scratch. To help calm me down or prevent me from scratching, I listen to music and/or write. It distracts me. Once, my mum told me that you don’t need allergens to have eczema, and I’m wondering if that’s like stress attacking your body? I find that whenever I see, feel or hear something upsetting or distressing, I tend to scratch. I wonder if that’s just me? I tend only to think about eczema and its subtopics, such as stress, its causes and wondering what it’d be like without it.
Today I’m feeling: Nervous.
BACK AT SCHOOL
I survived a day at school. Surprisingly, I didn’t get made fun of as much as I anticipated, but I got flustered way more than I should have. My eczema seems to be clearing which is good, as I’m able to finally move my neck properly, after my collarbone having a huge rash restricting my movement.
Tomorrow I have a doctor’s appointment, which took me by surprise as I haven’t had one since the end of November. I was supposed to return after having a higher dose of Prednisolone, but I didn’t. It made me feel sort of pushed away, uncared about. They didn’t return any calls when my mum tried to book an appointment and you can only imagine how that feels. I understand that the number of children that have eczema is increasing, and the amount of dermatologists isn’t enough, but at least a call back would have been appreciated, right? But, I’m still happy to have an appointment. Better late than never!
I’m still missing out physical education, but today I just kind of broke down during the lesson. I just felt useless. Most kids wouldn’t be complaining and usually neither would I. I dread PE, the sweat hurts you way more than your muscles could ever and the burning, red faces. I haven’t done any exercise as I was too exhausted to, and I still had to sit out. It’s your brain talking to you like, “Everyone can do this, why can’t you? All you can do is sit there and read, and you’re overweight too, so you should be the one working the most!” and you can’t do anything about it, because either way your body will hate you. Every other kid who doesn’t have a condition doesn’t need to care, but I do.
Today I’m feeling: Useless.